MAY 16 / 2013
yesterday was hard for me. i’ve told so many of my friends and family the past few months have felt like spring break 2013 (4-eva!) to me. eliza is just on oral chemo, she has no central line to fuss over, her counts have been holding steady, albeit low-ish, but steady. wyatt is happier than he has been in a long time, baby nash + i are feeling so good, erik has not had to travel too much and our marriage keeps getting stronger with each passing anniversary. life feels too good to be real, honestly. my stress had reached it’s peak the past two years and it’s waned completely. i’m coping healthfully and feel so happy.
yesterday we had to go to the clinic for eliza’s monthly counts and check up. it was a busy day at the clinic and it didn’t feel as jovial as it usually does. we found out arts for life and novant ended their contract so the art eliza loves to do and the music instruments she plays when we visit were all gone. so depressing to see the arts for life corner all cleared out in the clinic. when we got back into the room we chit chatted with the nurses. eliza was ready for her finger stick. wyatt promised a target trip for her with his wallet in hand. honestly, people, that boy amazes me and makes me so proud every day with his heart. he loves his sister so much and will do anything to make her happy when he knows it’s going to be a stress filled visit for her.
once in the exam room, i decided to ask about eliza’s only two friends at the clinic because we only visit monthly now and i haven’t kept up with them. we found out that both of the friends had passed. one was a 18 month old girl, who she LOVED, named gabby. the other was a little boy eliza’s age, named connor, who has a more aggressive form of histiocytosis. when the nurse told me, my heart balled up inside my chest. it was such a slap in the face. this shit is real and just because we have ducked out of the clinic for the time being doesn’t change the reality of what all of our kids are going through or have gone through. connor and gabby’s mom and dad had to say good bye and bury their babies. i pray to god i don’t ever have to bury one of my children. i would say it’s unimaginable but it’s not. it’s not unimaginable and we are so aware of this now.
it was a long visit. like i said, they were busy. the kids played on the iPad with one another and i sat on the exam table wiping away tears as they fell in case the kids looked up or the doctor decided to come in. while i was sitting there, looking at wyatt and eliza we heard a girl next door begging for her mom to help her and to ‘not let them hurt me!’ the kids looked up at me and asked if everything was okay. i told them she was okay- she was just getting a finger stick. obviously, i had no idea what was happening. at that moment, i felt like i was trapped in hell. i wanted to scoop my kids up and walk out right then. it was all my heart and brain could take for that afternoon.
i got home and read gabby’s and connor’s caringbridge sites. i cried all night off and on. i cried for those moms who would never hold their babies again or smell their hair. it was all i could think of. i prayed and prayed and prayed that they both had faith. i prayed that they remembered how connor and gabby’s skin felt, their belly laugh, what their little feet felt like in their hands when they rocked them at night, and that they believed that they would hold them so tightly again one day.
i always used to hear women who had lost children say ‘never take anything for granted, hold your kids and cherish every second because you don’t know when it might be your last.’ i would hear this and say ‘gosh they are right!’ without knowing exactly what they meant. my mind understood it, but my heart didn’t know it. i know exactly what they mean now. i feel it with every fiber in my heart. i acknowledge it and take nothing for granted. the kids want to sleep with us, lay on me 24/7, demand everything of me, etc… i’m fine with it all. i am more than fine with it all- i am joyful over it.