MAY 16 / 2013

yesterday was hard for me. i’ve told so many of my friends and family the past few months have felt like spring break 2013 (4-eva!) to me. eliza is just on oral chemo, she has no central line to fuss over, her counts have been holding steady, albeit low-ish, but steady. wyatt is happier than he has been in a long time, baby nash + i are feeling so good, erik has not had to travel too much and our marriage keeps getting stronger with each passing anniversary. life feels too good to be real, honestly. my stress had reached it’s peak the past two years and it’s waned completely. i’m coping healthfully and feel so happy.

yesterday we had to go to the clinic for eliza’s monthly counts and check up. it was a busy day at the clinic and it didn’t feel as jovial as it usually does. we found out arts for life and novant ended their contract so the art eliza loves to do and the music instruments she plays when we visit were all gone. so depressing to see the arts for life corner all cleared out in the clinic. when we got back into the room we chit chatted with the nurses. eliza was ready for her finger stick. wyatt promised a target trip for her with his wallet in hand. honestly, people, that boy amazes me and makes me so proud every day with his heart. he loves his sister so much and will do anything to make her happy when he knows it’s going to be a stress filled visit for her.

once in the exam room, i decided to ask about eliza’s only two friends at the clinic because we only visit monthly now and i haven’t kept up with them. we found out that both of the friends had passed. one was a 18 month old girl, who she LOVED, named gabby. the other was a little boy eliza’s age, named connor, who has a more aggressive form of histiocytosis. when the nurse told me, my heart balled up inside my chest. it was such a slap in the face. this shit is real and just because we have ducked out of the clinic for the time being doesn’t change the reality of what all of our kids are going through or have gone through. connor and gabby’s mom and dad had to say good bye and bury their babies. i pray to god i don’t ever have to bury one of my children. i would say it’s unimaginable but it’s not. it’s not unimaginable and we are so aware of this now.

it was a long visit. like i said, they were busy. the kids played on the iPad with one another and i sat on the exam table wiping away tears as they fell in case the kids looked up or the doctor decided to come in. while i was sitting there, looking at wyatt and eliza we heard a girl next door begging for her mom to help her and to ‘not let them hurt me!’ the kids looked up at me and asked if everything was okay. i told them she was okay- she was just getting a finger stick. obviously, i had no idea what was happening. at that moment, i felt like i was trapped in hell. i wanted to scoop my kids up and walk out right then. it was all my heart and brain could take for that afternoon.

i got home and read gabby’s and connor’s caringbridge sites. i cried all night off and on. i cried for those moms who would never hold their babies again or smell their hair. it was all i could think of. i prayed  and prayed and prayed that they both had faith. i prayed that they remembered how connor and gabby’s skin felt, their belly laugh, what their little feet felt like in their hands when they rocked them at night, and that they believed that they would hold them so tightly again one day.

i always used to hear women who had lost children say ‘never take anything for granted, hold your kids and cherish every second because you don’t know when it might be your last.’ i would hear this and say ‘gosh they are right!’ without knowing exactly what they meant. my mind understood it, but my heart didn’t know it. i know exactly what they mean now. i feel it with every fiber in my heart. i acknowledge it and take nothing for granted. the kids want to sleep with us, lay on me 24/7, demand everything of me, etc… i’m fine with it all. i am more than fine with it all- i am joyful over it.

MAR 20 / 2013

so i woke up this morning completely recharged. i don’t drink caffeine while i’m pregnant so i have to find other ways to recharge vs. my morning cup of warm joe with milk and cinnamon… can you tell i miss him so? i went to bed last night with eliza and slept hard. so good. i woke up this morning at 6:15 and came out to lounge with erik with my, now staple, cup of OJ while he sipped his coffee. i told him how recharged i felt. he said, ‘see? all you need is 10 hours of sleep with eliza and a nap in the afternoons- that’s it!’ ha- wish this could happen more often. i am going to work on getting to bed earlier because there is nothing like it. i’ve just paid bills, got school stuff ready for today, made erik breakfast before work, folded laundry, and am now blogging. it’s glorious, really.

we had our ultrasound last friday and it went great. the baby looks healthy and is growing right on track. for the first time we decided to know the gender before delivery. the kids were there and staring at the screen, eyes wide with anticipation. toward the end of the ultrasound, the tech moved around a bit and said, ‘do you see it??’- i did very clearly. we have a penis people! IT’S A BOY!! everyone was a little shocked, because we all just knew it was a girl, but so happy. well, except for eliza. she turned her back to the screen and pouted… reason number 575 why we need another boy in this family. i love my girl to pieces but the drama she definitely has saved for her mama… it’s a doozy. we talked afterward and she told me she got a little sad when they said boy. i told her it was okay but this was the way our family was going to be and was intended. we don’t ever have a choice in how our family looks, really. i told her she would be the princess of the house and that she was only ever daddy’s one and only little girl. this made her happy, but the happiest she felt is when i told her she could boss two boys around now! she grinned huge and told me she was SO happy this baby was a boy. wyatt is beyond thrilled and is really geared up to be the best big brother ever, all over again. i have no doubt in him.

i’m feeling great and we are ready for spring in this house!

MAR 15 / 2013

eliza got her port out on wednesday! she did great and was properly drunk before she went into the operating room. i videotaped her a little too late and mainly caught her slurring and drooling. before that, she had erik and i on the floor laughing. besides being drunk, she just has a great sense of humor.

the picture on the left above is her getting ready to get it in on march 31, 2011 and the one on the right is her before her surgery to get it out on 3/13/2013. versed is in on the left and she hadn’t had it yet on the left. can you see the difference? thank god for good drugs before surgery!

they took her back and we went back into the recovery room about an hour and a half later. dr. morton said she did great and the port was all intact when it came out. you know we had been having some issues with it and she had an unusual amount of swelling along the catheter that caused her pain off and on. we heard all kind of explanations: cellulitis, normal catheter, scar tissue, slight leak at a connector… blah blah. i appreciated all of it but it was nice to hear from the surgeon what it exactly was. she had an area of a milky white substance that had encapsulated in that area. there was a new area forming right above it. he was able to take it all out and sent it to pathology. we see our oncologist this monday so hopefully the pathology will be back by then. i’m grateful that the port is out, and that the surgeon was able to remove all of whatever that was! her little chest is so soft and smooshy. she and i keep touching that area and smiling at one another. such a good feeling to have it out!

we get to go today to see the baby on the big screen! the kids are excited and so is mom and dad. we will find out the gender, if we can, but all we care about is a healthy little guy or lady in there staying cozy and growing like crazy. well… not too crazy. ha! no matter, it’s our baby and we all love it so much already.